I lost my precious father on September 11th. He was a healthy, clear-minded, deeply spiritual man. He was the best earthly father anyone could hope for. Then Covid stole him from me. This is the first I’ve written since his passing. The void he leaves is profound. I used to ask God that he might outlive me, as I knew my life would be different without him.
My father's personality expressed a serene calmness. He possessed a desire to help others, reflecting Jesus in multiple ways. He was genuine, funny, tender, loving, and above all, humble. He was faithful to his Creator.
Dad lived for nearly a hundred years. He was a tremendous source of encouragement, a man committed to prayer, devotion and making Christ a priority in his life. He graciously reflected the One who gave him breath.
You see, I grew up challenging my parents. My childhood temper frequently flared. At eighteen, I couldn’t wait to leave home to live the way I pleased. Having experienced same-sex attraction from as early as I can remember, I lived in a constant and personal flurry of confusion. How could it be, that my life seemed to drastically contrast God’s Word, when I didn’t ask to be this way?
It’s fascinating how God allows us to walk down so many unnecessary roads, all the while hoping we will recognize our dire need for Him. Dying to self is my most difficult commission.
Rejected and abused by my birth mother, I continuously sought love and affirmation. My birth mother’s abuse left a permanent scar. My adoptive parents would try to mend those wounds. However, the damage had already been done. My self-driven determination acted as a steel barrier toward the love my new parents tried to administer. I think this happens more often than we recognize in the lives of those who have been adopted. Failing to bond with birth parents as God intended, introduces a wedge between those who might seek to fill the gap. Early rejection undermines trust.
Oddly, we often lose sight of the war being waged on this earth between the depths of the love and compassion of Jesus and the injurious ways and constructs spewed upon us by the Prince of Darkness.
I was raised on the Word of God. Christ was in our home, and I was blessed with a Christian education and a church family. However, even in this this preferential environment, Satan found ways to infiltrate.
I thank God for His promises, which my parents clung to. “Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it” (Proverbs 22:6). I’m not crazy about the “old” part, however, as the saying goes, “Better late than never.”
I spent decades in LGBGT culture, seeking to satisfy my hunger for completeness, fueled by sensuality on multiple levels.
My mom and dad remained on their knees. Their persistence must have required knee pads. When I give presentations today, I remind audiences that we share our heart felt requests with Jesus. We don’t tell Him what to do. He instructs us to wait patiently on Him (Psalm 37:7). He never leaves or abandons us. Thank you, Jesus!
After forty years of walking to the beat of my own drum, I found myself contemplating Jesus and my destiny. What was I missing? What did Jesus want from me? What had I failed to recognize as a child? The book Steps to Christ says that selfishness takes the place of love. I had certainly been duped by the enemy. Recognizing my selfishness, the Holy Spirit was beginning to break my heart. I slowly began to realize how much I need Jesus.
Forty years of my parent’s prayers were beginning to pay off. I began letting go of my flesh, for Jesus. On my parent’s sixty-seventh anniversary in 2009, I was re-baptized, making my public declaration to follow Him.
Unexpectedly, the next dozen years would bond me to my earthly father in ways I could never have imagined. His much needed, and appreciated prayers continued. Not simply for me, but for my ministry colleagues. None of us could have imagined the condition of the church we were returning.
Having surrendered my life to Jesus, the first four years were like a honeymoon with God. The best four years of my life.
That made someone extremely angry. The king of counterfeit was fuming. As my colleague, Ron Woolsey says, “I was baptized, Satan wasn’t.” Satan never forgot the four decades of my poor decisions. He was determined to set a traps to reclaim me. There’s no excuse for any of us to sin, yet who of us is without sin?
He has traps for all of us. He knows every weakness. His trap cost me my position with ‘Coming Out’ Ministries four years ago, of which I am co-founder. I fell; however, I didn’t stop believing in God’s love in truth message. In the following months, I would be reminded how the saints are not so readily inclined to forgive as Jesus. Historically, Adventists act as judge and jury, assigning a hierarchy to sin.
Don’t misunderstand me. Sin has consequences. However, if Jesus tells us that a righteous man falls seven times, (a symbolic number) and helps us to our feet, shouldn’t we help one another along our journey with Him? Doesn’t He call each of us to forgiveness and healing? (Proverbs 24:16, James 5:16).
My sweet dad said, “If you’ve fallen, you need to get back up.” How few sermons I have heard, emphasizing “grace.” We seem to think it will be translated as “presumption.”
Having experienced failure, I chose not to return to LGBT+ culture. During my time in that life, I never witnessed Jesus being lifted. Instead, there was an insistence to live how I felt. I have come to recognize that my only hope is in Jesus.
I began to spend quality time with my earthly father, asking questions about how he faithfully follows Jesus. He told me, “It wasn’t always like this.” In his youth, he said he had struggled with a temper, nearly putting out the eye of a bully who had a choke hold on his brother. He said he had to pray and ask God to help him live a life of surrender. He must have gotten a PHD in it, as I never saw evidence of temper. He was an amazing role model.
A couple years ago, I returned to speaking through my personal ministry, Know His Love Ministries. The idea of speaking in front of people as a kid, conjured up immediate state fright. I was a recognized nerd at school; thus, I hated any unnecessary attention. However, today, there is a certain boldness in the gospel Jesus has given me. Similarly, biblical sinners like David, Mary Magdalene, Rahab, Samson and Paul experienced the depths of sin, yet demonstrated a powerful witness of God’s grace and a renewed life in Him.
The consequences of poor choices over the years, have taken their toll. Satan’s not about to let go. However, neither is Jesus.
Dear friend, if you are suffering in the war with sin, do not give up. Jesus has not abandoned you!
"The divine Teacher bears with the erring through all their perversity. His love does not grow cold; His efforts to win them do not cease. With outstretched arms He waits to welcome again and again the erring, the rebellious, and even the apostate. His heart is touched with the helplessness of the little child subject to rough usage. The cry of human suffering never reaches His ear in vain. Though all are precious in His sight, the rough, sullen, stubborn dispositions draw most heavily upon His sympathy and love; for He traces from cause to effect. The one who is most easily tempted, and is most inclined to err, is the special object of His solicitude" (Education pg. 294).
Thank you, Jesus, for not letting go of us when we fail You. You graciously reach down and offer Your hand when we fall. You help us to our feet so that we might continue our journey along the narrow way.
Many times, I have reflected on Paul’s writings. “I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. (Romans 7:15).
“For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms” (Ephesians 6:12).
Satan hates the echo of redemption and restoration in my voice. I pray God inspires His Words through me offering LGBT+ people, the hope of Jesus, His love and peace, and His reward of eternal life.
A couple of nights ago I had the privilege of speaking to a large group of predominately pro LGBT+ activists. I have a strong interest in providing clarity about the trustworthiness of Jesus and all He offers those who would consider denying themselves for Him. It’s not a popular stance. However, as the saying goes, “If He brings you to it, He’ll see you through it.”
For those identifying as LGBT+, I passionately want to share the gifted identity Jesus offers. He invites us to come apart from the world and become one with Him. He will carry us with His perfect ways and cover us with the blood He shed for us. He will define and refine us. With Him, we are not alone. In Him, we have tremendous value and purpose.
Sadly, I understand failure. I’ve experienced it. Jesus doesn’t force obedience. In this sin tormented world, we will always face intriguing temptations. It’s what Satan is allowed to do. I’m not giving up on Jesus, because He has not given up on me. His love transcends any counterfeit love. As we live, He calls us to die to that which offends Him, so that we might have eternity with Him. That’s the incredible power of the gospel. Instead of being identified by my past and my failures, I’m identified as a New Creation in Christ.
I desperately miss my father. He was always there for me. He was continuously prayerful. I cherished those prayers. Today, Jesus directs my heart and my head upward, where there is the promise of His strength and power.
If you’re struggling, call out to Jesus. He promises to finish the work He began in you. Philippians 1:6.
God has provided the most powerful arsenal. The blood of the Lamb and the word of my testimony overcomes the enemy (Revelation 12:11). Same for you too.
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Wayne Blakely is the Director of Know His Love Ministries. www.knowhislove.org