I was carefully riding my dirt bike through the woods after dark, one night in 1979.
Suddenly the bike came to a stop. I reached out my hand into the dark to see what had stopped me. It was a tree, about 14” in diameter. Oops. I navigated around the tree and eventually made my way out into the open field, where it was easier to travel.
I offered no apology to the tree for bumping into it, nor was one expected. Had it been a person that I had bumped into, an apology would have been appropriate, along with an explanation of why I was riding in the dark in the first place. And that brings me to the theme of this article.
We humans often bump into each other, emotionally, spiritually and physically. Sometimes it’s purely accidental. There are other times when we run into people on purpose, driven by the fuel of pride, disdain or anger. When that happens, an apology is the right thing to do.
When the Holy Spirit convicts us that we have wronged another person, we should apologize to them, and there is a right and a wrong way to apologize.
Wrong ways to Apologize
“I’m sorry you misunderstood me.” Here the implication is that the real problem is their lousy understanding mechanism, in fact it may be broken. They should get their understanding fixed.
"I'm sorry I did that but...(beware of unnecessary buts in apologies)...I was tired, or under pressure, or under-concerned." What you are saying here is twofold:
1) "I have an excuse for my behavior"
2) "It will definitely happen again, so be prepared!"
“Ok, I’m SORRY!!” Flippant apologies are like a slick used-car salesman, using any means possible to get the ‘sale.’ Insincere and inadequate are good descriptors for the flippant apology.
“I’m sorry you took that wrong.” You made a joke at someone’s expense, and hurt their feelings. Their problem is they are too sensitive, and need more humor in their life. There is no ownership in this faux apology.
“I’m sorry I said that, but I wouldn't have if you didn't behave the way you did.” Translation: “You made me do this, therefore it's your fault.”
Do I have to apologize?!? No, you don’t. But if you don’t, God will allow several consequences into your life. The benefits are well worth it.
The Right Way to Apologize.
Don’t be flippant.
The right way to apologize is to admit when you have failed or hurt someone. Take ownership of it. Remember, pride will block you from taking ownership for wronging someone. A willingness to apologize is part of the willingness to shoulder responsibility, which is an important part of growing up. Making a commitment to never apologize doesn’t make you some brave truth teller. It just makes you someone who doesn’t believe their judgment could ever be fallible. That’s pride.
Humble yourself. Humble yourself. And humble yourself. It’s that simple. It’s best to say “I was wrong.” Say it with me. “I…was…wrong.” That wasn’t so bad, was it?
If your heart won’t allow you to say “I was wrong” (unresolved pride perhaps) then say “I’m sorry I…… hurt you last night…” And always end with an appeal to the person you have wronged “Would you be willing to forgive me for….?” This places the ball in their court.
If the apology was heartfelt and genuine, you have done your part. The rest is up to them. If they choose to not forgive, they will experience ongoing consequences—that’s between God and them.
Last week, my wife and I were at the Der Dutchman restaurant. While waiting for her to join me in the car after a restroom visit, I backed out of our parking slot, noticing a fairly new Toyota SUV parked beside us. I didn't recognize the model, so I paused by the rear of the car, looking for a model name. There was a only a shiny chrome name plate that said Taylor on it—no other name was there. I hadn't heard of a Toyota Taylor, maybe it was a 2020 model. I put my car in park and walked over to the vehicle, looking for any model identification. As I was bending down looking at the rear of the car, my wife walked up. "Did you hit that car?" she asked.
Pride kicked in. "Of course not, what a silly question. I was looking for the model identification." She gave me a funny look and we drove off.
A mile down the road I realized that I had probably hurt her feelings with my defensive comment. I asked her if it did, and she said yes. Right then, I had to make a choice. Defend/justify myself, or acknowledge my wrong.
I uttered those three words that every woman loves to hear "I was wrong." I apologized for hurting her feelings with my comment and asked her to forgive me. She accepted my apology and all was well in the Wagoner car.
Tip. When we humble ourselves and seek a relationship with another person by apologizing to them, it draws them to you emotionally. Just as rebellion begets rebellion, humility begets humility in others. Here’s an illustration.
Several nights later, we were home and she walked up to me in the kitchen, and said "I'm sorry I was irritable after lunch. Would you forgive me?"
I scanned my memory bank for any offenses and couldn't find any. Then I remembered a small infraction that I had already forgotten about. I said "Thank you, I accept that" and kissed her on the forehead. All was well in the Wagoner household.
This is called keeping short accounts, and it makes for a fun marriage when we humble ourselves and ask forgiveness of our spouse. Don’t let things pile up. Don’t drive on flat tires, friends. Stop, get out and fix them (spiritually and emotionally). Seek to understand and be reconciled.
Demanding Apologies
Like love, apologies are only genuine when freely given, not forced. Demanded apologies tend to make the demander look as petty as the offender is wrong. Demanded apologies try to force people to experience regret instead of remorse. Ultimately it’s conceited and narcissistic, and an abuse of power, especially if it’s power you don’t have. After all, an apology isn't based on how hurt you are, but on whether the other person understands how you feel, and is willing to make amends. In demanding an apology, you circumvent the process of that person's self-reflection. They probably won't discover any new feelings of remorse if you're trying to squeeze it out of them. Instead of making demands, a better approach is to go to the person who hurt you and explain how you feel. Let them decide how to respond. This is the burden of Matthew 18, given to help restore interpersonal relationships.
Apologies In An Era of Victimhood
Just as we oughtn’t go through life needlessly wounding people, we shouldn’t cry over every melted snowflake. There are a growing number of people in western culture that are seeking—and finding—ways to be offended. They are demanding new apologies almost daily. For them, political correctness is the father of all righteousness, and social justice is his rainbow in the sky. They find people guilty for merely being born—if they are Caucasian. They demand monetary apologies from those who didn’t oppress them, and racial apologies from those born with some sort of ‘white privilege.’ Redistribution is their Ponzi scheme that can pay off old ‘victims’ only by creating new ones (Proverbs 26:17).
To them I offer this apology: “If my being born Caucasian offends you, I'm sorry that you took it wrong.”
In the words of my Amish friend, Jonas “Whosoever chooses to remain a victim cannot experience the joy of being an overcomer.”
Don’t Over-Apologize
“Sorry to bother you.”
“Hi, sorry I’m late.”
“Sorry, but the customer didn’t like our roofing proposal.”
“Sorry!!!”
Some people go out of their way to be nice and collegial—and wind up overdoing the mea culpas. They may have the best of intentions, but wind up undermining other people’s confidence in them. It’s the verbal equivalent of a hangdog face and slumped shoulders. If you nearly bump into someone as you turn a corner at the airport (as I did recently), don’t fall over yourself with “sorry”s–just smile and make them feel at peace about the near encounter: “Ah, didn’t see you there! I hope you are having a good day!”
A Word About Humor
While sanctified humor can help us get past the rough spots of life a little easier, if we personally hurt someone’s feelings, we should own it and ask their forgiveness. There is a difference between foolish jesting and a merry heart (Psalm 1:1-6; Proverbs 15:22). Remember, sanctified humor has a healing quality (Proverbs 17:22).
Responding to Apologies
When someone comes up to you and apologizes, you have to make a choice. Will I accept or reject this apology?
God wants us to give and accept apologies (James 5:16; Matthew 5:23; Ephesians 4:32; Hebrews 12:15; John 13:35). He also wants us to know the difference between false guilt and genuine guilt.
How do you reject an apology? There are two ways, and they are both displeasing to the Lord..
You can say “Sorry, I don’t accept your apology” (ironic, I know).
You can say “It was nothing, forget it. I’m OVER it.” Please don’t do that. That is rejecting the very core of a person, who just humbled themselves and offered you a special gift—their heart.
We must ask God for wisdom to discern the difference between genuine guilt and false guilt. The Holy Spirit will lead us to God’s Word to know that difference (Proverbs 29:22; Titus 3:9; Proverbs 15:28,1; Matthew 18; Romans 14:19).
Like a guy riding through the forest at night, we tend to bump into each other at times down here on earth. By God’s grace, we will seek reconciliation with people by forgiving them, and apologizing when we have wronged them. After all, people are worth infinitely more than trees. And their bark is a lot softer.
“The discretion of a man defers his anger; and it is his glory to pass over a transgression” (Proverbs 19:11).
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